that girl does not exist anymore

I’m not who i used to be

I was in the men’s section of Zara, trying on some boxer briefs. My parents were a few steps away from me, paying for their clothes while I laid different patterned boxers in front of my jeans to see how they would fit. Too focused on inspecting how much of my thigh the briefs would cover, I didn’t notice two men approaching me.

“Hi, Nicole.”

My head shot up to see who it was. It was Miguel, my classmate in 8th grade. I haven’t heard someone call me my birth name in years, save for professors and family members. Since entering college, I’ve gotten so used to people calling me “Doll” or “Nini” that I rarely respond to being called my birth name.

I hastily returned the boxer briefs to the rack and turned my attention to my former classmate. Miguel and I exchanged pleasantries while his friend paid for his clothes. He’s still as friendly as ever.

When he left, I opened my phone and told my 14 finsta followers about the funny encounter. If this had happened a few years ago, it would probably have kept me up at night for weeks; now, it’s a funny moment that I can put to rest minutes after it happens.

What alarmed me more was the notification on my phone as I texted my friends. Someone I knew in high school sent me a request on Facebook. It’s been 8 years since we fell out, and this is her third friend request this month. Instead of deleting the request like usual, I ignored the notification and went on with my day. As much as I want to admit that I wasn’t bothered by it, I was curious to know what their intentions were.

Why was this person trying to pry herself into my life after all the pain she caused me?

Seeing people you knew in high school after graduating is always interesting. There’s an awkwardness that stems from the fact that you witnessed each other in your most vulnerable years. When your eyes meet in the hallways, you’ll see the gears turning in their heads as you study each other’s expressions. Are we close enough to say hi to each other? We would think to ourselves before making a move–or deciding not to.

Sometimes, we offer a nod or a small smile. Other times, we would gather the courage to wave and see if they’d do it too. There would be rare moments when they would approach me and briefly catch up, asking each other what major we chose and how we’re faring after graduation. And, of course, some would pretend that you don’t exist, as if you didn’t share your teenage years.

Oh well, don’t dwell.

I went to the same high school all my life. For 12 years, I grew up with the same people in the same environment.

Whenever a new year started and a new student was introduced, I would feel a little envious of their position. No one knew anything about them, which would attract everyone’s curiosity. They’re shiny and new, and with this fresh start, they can write a new chapter. I craved a new narrative.

Wild Child (2008)

College was my first time being the new girl.

I prepared my mind, body, and soul. Old beliefs and identities were shed, and I gave myself a new name. I’m not the girl I used to be, and I told myself that as I walked into classrooms, introduced myself to people, and navigated my way through my first year. This time, I’m in control of my story.

The first few months were a breeze, I loved how easy everything was. It was easy to make friends and introduce myself to new people. The shy and insecure girl was dead and gone, replaced with a confident girl who got everything she wanted. This was the life I knew I was meant to have.

However, this high was temporary.

The past that I was running away from came to confront me. It came in the form of people I used to know and situations I used to dread. Seeing people who hurt me reminded me of what I had to endure. It brought me back to my mistakes and regrets. I was reminded of the time in my life when I lacked self-respect and believed that whatever I had at the moment was the best I could achieve in this lifetime.

I began to feel like an impostor. Having this past, do I deserve the friends and the attention I’m enjoying right now? Do I deserve the good things? Do I deserve to be who I am?

Wild Child (2008)

Notice life’s algorithm

Letting go of who I used to be was a difficult feat, especially with how my mind was wired as a teen. I was pessimistic, insecure, and self-loathing.

On my journey to adopting a healthier mind, I noticed a pattern: when things start to get good, the past will always find a way to remind you that it exists. My friends and I talk about that often, that whenever we’re enjoying the company of a new person in our lives, we suddenly run into someone from the past who hurt us. When we’re basking in new opportunities, we’re suddenly met with challenges that remind us of the times we were rejected or criticized.

For a moment, it makes us feel doubtful. Shame crawls under our skin, and the potential of that new opportunity instills fear instead of anticipation.

Remnants of the past try to crawl into your life and make you think about all the times you fell short or felt like you weren’t good or deserving enough. Just thinking about it for a few long seconds is torturous, but they’re there to remind you of who you were, not the person you are now. The cruel voice in your head only exists to tempt you to fall back into old patterns.

Will you fall back or will you persist?

I used to think that life is a movie. You get to be one character, have one story, and one happy ending. That’s it. That perspective was very limiting because it kept me from branching out and discovering every version of myself. It made me surrender to my situation whenever something unfortunate happened to me. I saw these moments as endings instead of opportunities for expansion.

Life is not a movie, it’s a show. It runs for many seasons, and it will give you trials to test you and push you to be the highest version of yourself. While it may seem disheartening to admit, you’ll always experience problems for as long as you live. Growth is an uphill battle. You don’t get better and stay that way, the only option is to keep choosing yourself and making decisions that align with your aspirations.

I’m in my 3rd year of university, and I still have lapses when I let myself think about old patterns and mistakes. I used to think I was starting to go insane, but it’s normal to think about the past for as long as you don’t dwell on it and start going back to your old ways.

Why should I let the past hold me down when I’m not even the girl I used to be? The girl who did this and said that is gone; her beliefs don’t align with mine anymore. All I have is me, the girl who pulled herself out of her misery, and I’ll do it again and again to save myself from situations that don’t serve me.

Not everyone gets to see you grow, but that’s okay. Not everyone deserves to.

Wild Child (2008)

Love,

Doll