Is your healing performative?

In times like these, the only way out is through

Dec 27, 2025

Once or a few times a year, you’ll face a period of stagnancy. Everything in the world seems to be moving forward, while you’re locked in place. You’re left pondering your own purpose, feeling like you’re trudging behind your peers, as the universe reminds you that you’re on your own.

It’s a strong feeling that’s hard to put into words. This isn’t abrupt and heartbreaking like losing a lover or a job in quarter four. You wonder if it’s even valid to rant to your friends because literally nothing is happening, picturing their confusion as you vent about the emptiness within you.

Times like these feel bleak, like you’re wasting away hours, days, or even weeks of your life. The system is operating as it should be, while you’re on a bed rotting streak. Even if you know what’s best for you, you’re too burnt out to break this bad habit.

When you turn to social media for help, your feed floods with content about how to build your “comeback era.”

Gen Z curated this language of healing. You’ll often see media about forming a new routine during the “winter arc,” or how to rebrand yourself for the upcoming year. Healing has a brand, an image. It consists of a new wardrobe, leaving the pilates studio in a workout set with a matcha latte in hand, Byredo and Maison Margiela fragrances on a nightstand beside a copy of Atomic Habits by James Clear. It’s an Instagram story of a stick of Palo Santo burning on a ceramic holder, surrounded by an array of crystals, and a vinyl of The Best of Sade in the background, with “Protecting my peace” in the caption.

Self-help media can oftentimes be helpful, but it’s not something to depend on when you’re having a difficult time. This type of media is only meant to motivate you, but it isn’t an accurate depiction of healing. When we turn to social media and see people showing their journeys in heavily edited one-minute videos, we often feel the need to compare, asking ourselves why our journey isn’t as pretty.

Healing was never meant to be aesthetic. It’s more than just retail therapy, reading self-help books, a spiritual retreat in Bali, or curating a playlist for the new era in your life. Your journey isn’t meant to show others how much you’ve grown; it’s a process best kept private. When no one’s watching, you’ll realize if the growth is genuine or just for show.

At the beginning of the year, I looked up my numerology number for fun, and I’m currently in a personal year 9. The theme of my year is reflection, letting go, and stripping oneself clean of things that no longer serve them. 2025 is also the Year of the Snake in the Chinese Zodiac. Snakes symbolize rebirth through the shedding of their skin as they prepare to begin a new cycle.

If you feel like you’ve been through hell and back this past year, it’s probably because of the themes this year carries.

Transformation comes at a price. You must trade your old life to start your new one.

This year was eventful, chaotic, and transformative. I thought I had rebirths before, but nothing in the past felt like this. As I scrolled through the photos in my camera roll reflecting on my year, I saw how much I’ve changed. These images showed various phases of my year, capturing each event that prompted me to transform.

The first and second halves of the year felt like a year of their own, and each phase brought new challenges and lessons. It tested my relationships with other people and myself. There were multiple times when I felt like all the inner work I’ve done for myself had been broken down, leaving me bare. I questioned whether I still am, or ever was, the person I claimed to be.

Even if people surrounded me, I felt alone in dealing with my inner world. But that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Difficult stages in your life are a test to see if all the inner work you’ve done is more than a performance. It’s easy to think that you’re healed and secure in happy moments, but who you are and what you’ve learned will emerge when you’re backed up in a corner. How much you’ve grown is revealed when you’re alone, with no one to validate you.

Not even a month into the new year, I lost a cherished friend. We didn’t fight; there was no animosity, but we were forbidden from meeting (akin to a modern-day platonic Romeo and Juliet). Some people came into my life who had bad intentions toward me and betrayed my trust. I frequently questioned my place in the lives of people I cared about. Losses like these brought me to the lowest of lows, but they also challenged my resilience.

Will I break down or trust that the universe has a better plan for me?

Through these experiences, I came to understand the theme of my year. It wasn’t just about loss and letting go; it was about learning to stand on my own. There’s no escape from painful experiences, no matter how secure you think you are. This year has humbled me in many ways, reminding me that I’m flawed, that I’m human.

It had to hurt, because how else would I learn? If a hot pan doesn’t sear your skin, you’ll keep touching it.

I used to get offended whenever the universe brought me another lesson. In my head, I thought that these were brought into my life because I wasn’t healed enough to be rewarded. However, it’s just a test of strength to determine if I’ve truly grown and if I’m keeping my promise to deal with it differently the next time it happens.

Another habit I used to have was running away and starting anew. As a kid, whenever I reached a difficult level in a game, I would exit and reboot. This behavior followed me into my early teens, where I treated each new school year as a fresh start. It’s not inherently bad to start anew, but running away from who you were can get old. At some point, you have to face your problems as the person you have grown into.

I’m proud to say that I’m no longer a serial rebooter.

The way I deal with my problems is simpler, not requiring a new routine or aesthetic, because those things do not determine growth. It’s the way you deal with your problems that does. When I hit a new low, I don’t repeat the same mistakes or turn to unhealthy defense mechanisms, and that’s already a win for me.

Things beyond my control don’t consume me anymore as I shift my focus to the things I can control, such as my reactions and attitude. In the fight for power over my life, I feel the most relief when I’m finally letting go, knowing that I have a chance of changing my reality tomorrow.

Preparing for the new year doesn’t feel as heavy as before. Now, I understand that I don’t need a new brand or image to heal. I only need to look inward and make better decisions for myself.

The answers you seek are within you.

All the love,

Doll

Thank you so much for reading the devotee!

If you resonated with my work and want to support me further, you can buy me a matcha through my Ko-fi.

It will truly make my day!

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